Skiing...

BadSax

enjoys 3 martini lunches
So I thought I would share my day with the rest of you, because it deserves to be shared... :D

I went skiing today, for the first time ever...

for those of you who know me... yes, I am just as shocked as you are...
I don't like the cold, and I am not really particularly fond of being outside in general, and when you combine the two... forget it...

But there I was, in the cold, and outside...

At this point it is probably worth mentioning that I did in fact live in the northern regions of NH for 5 years... and while I was there I NEVER WENT SKIING... I drove cars across plenty of frozen lakes (car skiing)... but never skied (people skiing).

So I take a group lesson with a bunch of people I don't know of varying ages and during the lesson I can't help but notice kids who have to be between 4 and 6 years old whizzing by like they clearly came out of the womb with skis on...

After about 90 minutes the lesson ends and I'm feeling pretty good. I haven't fallen yet, I've made it to the bottom of the "bunny hill"... little kids are no longer making fun of me... and I get to master the ski lift.

If you haven't been on a ski lift, getting on the thing is, as it turns out, the easy part... as long as you are standing in front of it, you really can't help but sit down as it smacks you in the back of the knees and scoops you up. As it turns out, it's getting the hell off of the thing that can be problematic... but more on that later...

So, I do several runs in the beginner area. Still without falling, and while I feel at points completely out of control, according to my so called friends, I'm looking really good...

So good... yes "so good"... that for my 4th ski run ever... I'm talked into actually going up the mountain to a 'real' trail... Which of course I do... what could possible go wrong... It's also probably worth saying that surprisingly I was not drunk yet. I got drunk later, but not while skiing. So off I go on the ski lift to the real trail, up and up and up and up... up enough that while it wasn't warm where I had been, it's down right become really cold now... The ski lift ride is so long that I have plenty of time to chat about such things as why the life sometimes stops? If you didn't know the answer to that, you could have been me... as it turns out, sometimes people fall getting off the lift.

Of course as we got off the lift at the top of the mountain, I was that person... and yes they stopped the lift...

Some might say a foretelling moment... and in retrospect I would have been one of those people, but I figured, hey I've got to fall sometime... Well, I fell plenty more times... more times then I could count. I did the full flat spin multiple helicopter fall... the yard sale fall, (when skis and polls just shoot out everywhere) the slide on my back, slide on my side, slide while rolling... without actually face planting... I fell in every conceivable way you can think... I did however get back on those god awful skis and try again. And again, and again... at one point I fell with such speed that after the relief of falling and no longer being out of control on skis, I then had time to think to myself... "I really need to figure out how to stop sliding"... I slid for such a long time that I finally halted of at the feet of a group of snowboarders who must have watched the entire event, and I had nothing else to say other then "hey... how's it going?" while still on my back...

I did make it down to the bottom of the mountain... on my skis... and shortly after, I returned my equipment and got good and drunk...

When I arrived back at the hotel about an hour later and I was pulling off my wet everything (it doesn't matter what you wear when you fall like I did, snow gets everywhere) in that process I took my wallet out of my pants pocket that was covered with my snow pants and there was snow in my wallet...

So, I'll be back skiing tomorrow... if I survive, I'm not sure I'll ski again after this weekend, but since I'm up here, might as well go for it...

Wish me luck, or something...

Skiing is Satan's method of transportation over snow... God clearly uses a snowmobile... :D

:D -J
 
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LMAO!!!

I don't mind the outdoors but I do mind the cold. That's why whe the family goes skiing we go to Tahoe. They hit the slopes I hit the tables.
 
LOL... good read. :D

You've convinced me to never try! I'm definitely more the snowmobile type. They can be dangerously fun. :cool:
 
"I did the full flat spin multiple helicopter fall..."

lol Kodak moment? I would liked to have seen that fall. :)

I know what your problem is - no cocktails on board. You need a stainless steel flask strapped on somewhere. ;)
 
Sounds a little like my first time.:D When I first got to the bottom of the hill, I couldn't stop, and ended up skiing between cars in the parking lot.:)

Don't give up, and don't let those little brats intimidate you. A quick pole plant in front of their skis will shut them up.:D

You've got some great mountains there (Michigan has 400 foot hills) with plenty of room to learn.

Stick to the green dot runs for a while, try to get a little speed, then make wide turns to slow down a bit. If you think you're going to fall, just sit down.

When you do make contact with the snow, make sure you brush it all off (including up your back under your jacket) you won't get so wet.

Good luck and have fun (I'm jealous).:)
 
Day two...

I would have told you about day two, on day two, or even the day after day two... but I could barely move... :D

Day two went better then day one.

There was still plenty of crashing... plenty of crashing...
But the crashes were less spectacular, which is good, albeit perhaps a little disappointing.

I learned that apparently the length of your skis can make a huge difference,
longer = speed
shorter = control

So, the longer skis that I had on day two were not necessarily better for me.

I also learned all about the color code of trails... not that it makes a ton of sense, nor is it truly standardized from place to place...

Green - easy: by the middle of day two, a trail I can probably hack without incident...
Blue - medium: even on day two, there will be falling, steep sections will continue to freak me out...
Black - hard: forget it, watch signs as to not accidentally turn from a green trail onto a black...
Double Black - certain death: I could see a few of those from the lifts... if you fall there, you are either dying in the woods or sliding down the whole mountain with whatever limbs haven't broken off...

BTW, in case I didn't mention it before, that "4th trail" I did on day 1 was a blue...

So in summation, as it turns out, I'm much better at skiing that I think anyone would have predicted including myself...
but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out of my way to ever go skiing again... (see Sharon, I haven't changed that much... :) )

Now, my everything hurts, so I'm going to go take another handful of pills... :D

:D -J
 
My Great GrandFather Wrote this. I think you two may think alike. LOL

The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Mineral King at just eleven-
We should have reached there nearer seven.
Mountain roads to stop the heart,
Backing down to get a start.
Kindly drivers offering aid
Almost dumped us off the grade.
No sleep to speak of though almost dead
The Doc and I in a double bed.
Here our last privy, alack and alas!
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Scenes of bustle at the loading stage,
Supplies enough to last an age.
Twenty horses and mules to load,
I mount, and gaze on that awful road,
Spread apart like a toad astraddle
I almost died in that Goddamn saddle.
Then up we climbed for untold hours,
The bleakest trail, no grass, no flowers,
Franklin Lake, then Franklin Pass;
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Then down the mountain for seven miles-
Dragging my bruises and bleeding piles
To camp in misery on Rattlesnake,
With bones so sore they almost break.
Again no sleep- I'm like the owl
Except I do not hoot or howl.
The sleeping bag's a great invention,
As restful as a Shrine Convention,
There's nothing I know it can't surpass:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Another journey of pain and woe
My spirits reach an all time low,
Through dust to the ankles, rocks galore,
We came at last to the Canyon floor.
Again a trek- to the old Hot Spring,
A cure fore aches- does for me nothing.
Onward again to spend six days
Camped by the stream where the riffle plays.
The Kern Canyon's just a bleak crevasse:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Biscuits and bacon and corned beef hash,
Hormel's chicken and succotash,
Grapefruit, potatoes and canned whole milk,
Cookies and crackers and corn in the silk,
Apricots, oranges, pears and peas-
A mother bear calls and doesn't say please
As she gobbles our bacon and chocolate bars
And looks around for Skinnie's cigars.
A camp like ours has lots of class:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.


More hills of granite and dusty trails,
Atop the grade my stomach quails.
Then down the Chute- Oh Madre Mia-
We stumble and slide to the Kern Kaweah.
Mosquitoes in clouds, and yellow jackets,
And more canned food in tiny packets-
Beans and asparagus, deviled ham,
Jellied tongue and raspberry jam,
Onions and cheese and apple sass:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***,

Grasshopper hunting on a barren fist,
One tries to swat them with one's hat.
Motion pictures posed for Bartley,
Who gave his orders rather tartly.
More twisting trails of rock and sand,
When we stop to rest, I just can stand.
"The view's superb" is vouched by Pitts,
I only murmur "It's the ****s."
Twelve thousand feet at Colby Pass:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Fishing was tried in Colby Lake-
This for the Brothers and Dodge's sake-
But all the caught with hopper and fly
I could easily put in my right eye.
More granite slabs and boulders slick-
What terrible routes these packers pick-
Over more ridges and down more slides,
Lucky are we to keep our hides.
Next stop Cloudy Canyon is lush with grass:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***.

Here's held the buck hunt, no deer do they see,
Pat burns the smoke house, mid cheering from me.
He cooks the dinner- a mighty hodge podge-
Accompanied by coughing of Washington Dodge.
"Your last trip's down hill, just as easy as pie."
My God, how those Sequoia Hill Billies lie.
Twenty-three miles with Larry my pal,
Ere we reach our last camp at old Horse Corral.
Last sleep in the bag, my poor bones harass:
The Great Outdoors Can Kiss My ***..

Though our entourage, Harry and Roy and Ken
Are terrible liars, they're all nice men.
So I give them my share of the National Park
With its rocks and mosquitoes and granite cliffs stark.
For I've climbed my last mountain,
I've trod my last trail,
I'll stick to the lowlands from now without fail.
Why ruin one's health and damage each organ,
At a cost that would bankrupt J. Pierpont Morgan?
When I think of the misery two weeks can amass,
I say to myself, "You're a Prime Horse's ***.

Charles W. Goodwin, Jr.
Circa 1930's
 
When your exiting the lift chair, scoot towards the edge of the chair as much as you can. Then when you can finally touch your ski's to the snow, push off with your hands. It's almost foolproof to keep you from being "That guy" that stopped up the lift. :D
 
My Great GrandFather Wrote this. I think you two may think alike. LOL

From, the sounds of it, I think my Great GrandFather was on the same trip with your Great GrandFather. :D

Having worked outdoors for years in all types of weather extremes, I always say to those who go out and play in the winter weather - they obviously never had to work in it! :eek:
 
You bunch of wussies.:D

My brother and I are planning a little Winter Wonderland vacation. Some nice skiing AND ice fishing.:)
 
You bunch of wussies.:D

My brother and I are planning a little Winter Wonderland vacation. Some nice skiing AND ice fishing.:)

You could not pay me enough monrey to go ice fishing...
(well, maybe you could)... :D

At least with skiing your are cold, but you are doing something...

fishing... god, the only times I've been fishing have been mainly to drink on a boat... I don't actually want to catch anything...

When I was little, I went with my uncle a few times...
but his idea of fishing was to set the polls and then fire up the twin 455 V8s and go as fast as possible to Martha's Vineyard or Nantucket... :D
I once caught a boot... :D

frozen lakes are made for power sliding "American" cars across at stupid speeds... :D

:D -J
 
Saxy, you're killing me! I laughed till my eyes were watering . . . gotta show this thread to Brad :D
 
Bill: I'd go with you if I could. :p

Let's go Isaac!:D

Here's some fresh Walleye.:)

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Sorry Joe, I was looking for some skiing photos but I'm still going through my crashed computer's hard drive.

I'll show that skiing can be fun too!

You'r right, drinking does go with fishing...and skiing, that's what the lodge is for.:D
 
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