Dear Dad

M

mrrobertstv

Registered
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,

"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so
nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan
said that we will be very happy.


Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and > that's
now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she
sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.


Your son,
John


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
My report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when
It is safe for me to come home.


Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
RE: Dear Dad

OK, I'll see you and raise you one. :) (Must be "clean" though.)

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, he’s too chicken to face her. Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, how am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

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Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel

Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel


Ok I see your one and I raise you one more!


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."


Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
RE: Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel

RE: Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel

Good one. :)

Let's see how this holds up.

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. The third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"


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RE: "The Golden Saloon"

RE: "The Golden Saloon"

Is that all your holding "Bam"! Full House


A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"




Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

And just in case you were planning on bringing in a trump "bam" Four Aces



An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


Still wanna play?


Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

Stanley can I play?

Here's one:

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck`s home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn`t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

Is there room at the table for one more?

3 guys at the Pearly Gates

Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The guy replies, "24 years."

St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive" A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!" :p

Jack

Vice-President & Co-Founder N.E.L.C.E
Northeast Lincoln & Cadillac Enthusiasts
1992 Lincoln TC Signature Series
http://www.myonlineimages.com/Members/Hizhonor/images/P9140002small.jpg:P
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

Can I sit in? I brought beer!

There is this mouse and an elephant and they are walking together. All of a sudden the elephant falls into a ditch and screams for help. The mouse says, don't worry I will get you out. The mouse whips out his winkie and throws it down to the elephant and pulls him out.

The elephant is so grateful and can not stop thanking the mouse.

A couple of days later the mouse and the elephant are walking along and this time the mouse falls into the ditch. The mouse cries for the help and the elephant does not know what to do. The elephant says, hold on I have a corvette, I will be right back!

The elephant shows up with the corvette and ties a rope around the bumber and throws it down to the mouse and pulls him out.

What is the moral to the story - If you have a big winkie you don't need a covette.
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

Good one Jack.

I see Stanley hasn't posted anything yet must be out of stuff and cannot hang :)
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

:D LMAO

Stanley did you run out of stuff? I thought you could hang
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

There is this pig farmer who is having trouble getting his pigs to mate. After just about giving up the business, the farmer decides to do some research. He finds that sometimes if a human gets involved it might get the pigs going. (this is just in the joke ok) Then the following morning if the pigs are out of the mud, you know it worked.

So the farmer says what have I got to lose. Loads up his pick-up and takes them out to the woods and gives it to each pig on by one. The following morning the pigs are still in the mud.

So he tries again, takes them out to the woods, gives it to the one by one and still, the following morning they are in the mud.

Jeez, the farmer figures 3 times is a charm and it will work this time. He loads up his pickup and takes the pigs out to the woods and gives it to them again like never before.

The next morning the farmer does not have the strength to get out of bed and he asks his wife to take a look.

The farmer says, Honey, are the pigs in the mud? She says no they aren't. WELL are they on the grass? Where are they?

The wife answers, no they arent on the grass either, they are in you pickup and they're honking the horn....
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

who said I can hang..... I was simply waiting for a real challenge

"Blind Man In Texas"
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.


Need I say More! As I whistle the tune to "The Good the Bad and the Ugly!!!





Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

HAhahahaha!
...

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion
of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,
but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee
put down "I don't know." you put down, "Neither do I." :7
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

A guy walks into a bar, puts his briefcase on the bar, and orders a shot. He then asks the bartender if he can have a tiny shot poured into a bottle cap for his buddy, and he opens his briefcase to reveal a foot-high man, alive, sitting at a piano playing tunes. The bartender is amazed and asks "Where did you find this guy?" The customer points to a magic lantern also in his briefcase and says "I made a wish to the genie in this lantern." The bartender is thrilled and asks if he can make a wish to which the guy replies "sure", so the bartender rubs the lantern, a genie comes out and asks "What is your wish?" The bartender says, "I wish I had a million bucks." In a flash, the bar is packed floor to ceiling with squacking and quacking ducks. The bartender screams "DUCKS! I SAID BUCKS! BUCKS! IS THIS GENIE DEAF OR SOMETHING?" The customer screams back "YOU DIDN'T THINK I ASKED FOR A TWELVE-INCH PIANIST, DID YOU?"


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RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?" The man said, "A man died here nearly 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can` t take that chance."
 
RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

RE: "Living A Long Healthy Life"

[div class="dcquote"][strong]Quote[/strong]
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?" The man said, "A man died here nearly 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can` t take that chance."
[/div]

I guess this means you fold?!

Stanley E. Roberts
President/Founder
http://www.GoldenGateMark8.com
http://www.We8there.com
 
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