I know this is out of left field, but I get on these kicks where I look something up on wikipedia and end up going off on a completely different tangent.
For anybody who was alive the 70's, you remember the original Hollywood Squares game show. I remember as a kid watching it, and an old guy named "Charlie Weaver" who seemed to be famous ONLY for appearing on that show. I also remember that whenever he was called, his answers would have the entire audience in hysterics, but I never really "got" his jokes.
So anyway, I was looking something up on wiki, which got me to looking something else up, which led to something else entirely, until I had forgotten what I was looking for in the first place. I ended up on the Hollywood Squares page, and saw Charlie Weaver's name there, which made me do a Google on him, and I ended up on this site:
http://www.classicsquares.com/weaversquares.html
So here's a blatant copy/paste job of some of his best lines. I never realized just how funny this man was. Some are VERY corny (remember, this was the 70's), but there are some real gems, and I just had to post them somewhere...
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?
Charley Weaver: Yes, but he's forgotten the secret word.
Peter Marshall: Charley, an 87-year-old doctor named Quick invented something that's named for him. What is it?
Charley Weaver: 87 years old? I'd say the quickie!
Peter Marshall: Charley, true or false: every time you sneeze, your heart stops.
Charley Weaver: Out to the home, there's a few people that, whenever they sneeze, their hearts stop!
Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, can you get anything you've always wanted in Heaven, if you didn't get it on Earth?
Charley Weaver: Yes, but there's an extra charge for the whitewalls.
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Peter Marshall: According to Today's Health, what do most dentists say you should do with your dentures before going to bed?
Charley Weaver: Out to the home, we throw them all into the center of the room and have a swap party...
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?
Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing? (Weaver and audience laughing) Now you're doing it, that's more like it.
Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.
Peter Marshall: True or false -- when the swallows return to Capistrano, they are probably coming from Argentina.
Charley Weaver: That's true, and not only did they ruin my car, they blew up my trailer!
Peter Marshall: Does Pat Nixon think her husband is fun?
Charley Weaver: Yes, she says he's full of it.
Peter Marshall: Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?
Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!
Peter Marshall: In a recent TV Guide interview, Paul Lynde said that he has been cursed with something all his life. What?
Charley Weaver: Four letter words! (correct answer: shyness)
Peter Marshall: Was there anything going on between Christopher Columbus and Queen Isabella?
Charley Weaver: Yes, and Columbus later found out that the world was round and she was flat!
Peter Marshall: Shakespeare wrote 154 of them. What are they?
Charley Weaver: Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.
Peter Marshall: What makes water hard?
Charley Weaver: Winter.
Peter Marshall: You are a senior citizen and during the night while you are asleep, your heart beats 50 times per minute. Is there something wrong with you?
Charley Weaver: Well, let's put it this way. Could you ask me Friday's questions today?
Peter Marshall: True or false -- rumors circulate in business offices more than any place else.
Charley Weaver: That's false, Peter, and we're certainly going to miss you around here!
Peter Marshall: True or false -- drinking can make you hard of hearing.
Charley Weaver: What?
Peter Marshall: Is it possible for you to make a dog laugh?
Charley Weaver: Well, I tried to housebreak a dog once and he just laughed and laughed.
Peter Marshall: When you go shopping, is there any difference between irregulars and seconds?
Charley Weaver: Out at the home, when I have seconds I get irregular.
Peter Marshall: True or false -- as you get older, your skin becomes more transparent.
Charley Weaver: Out at the home in the x-ray room, they just hold us up to a light bulb.
Peter Marshall: True or false -- Lawrence Welk has a fourth grade education.
Charley Weaver: That's why he says, "And a one and a two..."
(at the end of a show, when Peter Marshall is plugging various appearances by the other stars)
Charley Weaver: ...And I will be appearing in Wasserman, Ohio, with my trained pet hamster!
Peter Marshall: Every night before he went to bed, George Washington would always put his false teeth into something. What?
Charley Weaver: Martha!
Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do". What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!
Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique. What is it?
Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.
Peter Marshall: In the movie "Camelot", Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle. What is the miracle?
Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.
Peter Marshall: Arthur Hailey had a very successful movie and novel called "Hotel". He has a new best seller about another stopover point. What is it called?
Charley Weaver: Service Station.
Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?
Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.
Peter Marshall: Who said, "Richard Nixon was the most difficult man I ever had to paint"?
Charlie Weaver: Earl Scheib
For anybody who was alive the 70's, you remember the original Hollywood Squares game show. I remember as a kid watching it, and an old guy named "Charlie Weaver" who seemed to be famous ONLY for appearing on that show. I also remember that whenever he was called, his answers would have the entire audience in hysterics, but I never really "got" his jokes.
So anyway, I was looking something up on wiki, which got me to looking something else up, which led to something else entirely, until I had forgotten what I was looking for in the first place. I ended up on the Hollywood Squares page, and saw Charlie Weaver's name there, which made me do a Google on him, and I ended up on this site:
http://www.classicsquares.com/weaversquares.html
So here's a blatant copy/paste job of some of his best lines. I never realized just how funny this man was. Some are VERY corny (remember, this was the 70's), but there are some real gems, and I just had to post them somewhere...
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?
Charley Weaver: Yes, but he's forgotten the secret word.
Peter Marshall: Charley, an 87-year-old doctor named Quick invented something that's named for him. What is it?
Charley Weaver: 87 years old? I'd say the quickie!
Peter Marshall: Charley, true or false: every time you sneeze, your heart stops.
Charley Weaver: Out to the home, there's a few people that, whenever they sneeze, their hearts stop!
Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, can you get anything you've always wanted in Heaven, if you didn't get it on Earth?
Charley Weaver: Yes, but there's an extra charge for the whitewalls.
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Peter Marshall: According to Today's Health, what do most dentists say you should do with your dentures before going to bed?
Charley Weaver: Out to the home, we throw them all into the center of the room and have a swap party...
Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?
Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing? (Weaver and audience laughing) Now you're doing it, that's more like it.
Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.
Peter Marshall: True or false -- when the swallows return to Capistrano, they are probably coming from Argentina.
Charley Weaver: That's true, and not only did they ruin my car, they blew up my trailer!
Peter Marshall: Does Pat Nixon think her husband is fun?
Charley Weaver: Yes, she says he's full of it.
Peter Marshall: Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?
Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!
Peter Marshall: In a recent TV Guide interview, Paul Lynde said that he has been cursed with something all his life. What?
Charley Weaver: Four letter words! (correct answer: shyness)
Peter Marshall: Was there anything going on between Christopher Columbus and Queen Isabella?
Charley Weaver: Yes, and Columbus later found out that the world was round and she was flat!
Peter Marshall: Shakespeare wrote 154 of them. What are they?
Charley Weaver: Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.
Peter Marshall: What makes water hard?
Charley Weaver: Winter.
Peter Marshall: You are a senior citizen and during the night while you are asleep, your heart beats 50 times per minute. Is there something wrong with you?
Charley Weaver: Well, let's put it this way. Could you ask me Friday's questions today?
Peter Marshall: True or false -- rumors circulate in business offices more than any place else.
Charley Weaver: That's false, Peter, and we're certainly going to miss you around here!
Peter Marshall: True or false -- drinking can make you hard of hearing.
Charley Weaver: What?
Peter Marshall: Is it possible for you to make a dog laugh?
Charley Weaver: Well, I tried to housebreak a dog once and he just laughed and laughed.
Peter Marshall: When you go shopping, is there any difference between irregulars and seconds?
Charley Weaver: Out at the home, when I have seconds I get irregular.
Peter Marshall: True or false -- as you get older, your skin becomes more transparent.
Charley Weaver: Out at the home in the x-ray room, they just hold us up to a light bulb.
Peter Marshall: True or false -- Lawrence Welk has a fourth grade education.
Charley Weaver: That's why he says, "And a one and a two..."
(at the end of a show, when Peter Marshall is plugging various appearances by the other stars)
Charley Weaver: ...And I will be appearing in Wasserman, Ohio, with my trained pet hamster!
Peter Marshall: Every night before he went to bed, George Washington would always put his false teeth into something. What?
Charley Weaver: Martha!
Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do". What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!
Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique. What is it?
Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.
Peter Marshall: In the movie "Camelot", Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle. What is the miracle?
Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.
Peter Marshall: Arthur Hailey had a very successful movie and novel called "Hotel". He has a new best seller about another stopover point. What is it called?
Charley Weaver: Service Station.
Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?
Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.
Peter Marshall: Who said, "Richard Nixon was the most difficult man I ever had to paint"?
Charlie Weaver: Earl Scheib
